Do you like shopping amidst predatory sales girls?
Do you like being chased around the store with a black shopping tote?
Does being harassed about signing up for an Angels card at every corner bring a smile to your face?
Do you like looking at signage with in-your-face cleavage?
Then you will love shopping at Victoria's Secret!
PINK: I really don't understand this line. It looks like it comes from some weird university that makes undies, instead of giving out degrees. This line provokes many questions...
So it's called PINK, right? So why is most of this stuff in every color BUT pink?
Why a dog for the mascot? Since when are dogs pink? A flamingo or perhaps a pig would make much more sense. At least they're pink. Hell, why even use a mascot? I don't know about you, but I don't associate dogs (or farm animals and birds) with sexy lingerie.
Why is '86' splashed all over it? Don't tell me 1986 is when the line was created because it wasn't, or Madonna and Tiffany would've been all over that shit. It was actually launched in 2004. So either they use this to appeal to the teens and early 20-somethings since they were born around that time, or they just pulled random numbers out of the ass just for fun -- '86! Look how VINTAGE it is!!!
Their bras: I like them, when I can find one that's 1.) In my size (I am a 32A and they don't seem to think that people in this size exist). 2.) Doesnt have padding. Why are all the bras there padded 7 inches thick? I don't want to something that sends my boobs up to my chin. I do not want look like a Chesty McBoob!
The sales associates: Pushy, pushy, pushy! They bushwhack you the minute you walk into the store and try to shove a bag in your hand. If you refuse, they will continue to stalk you around the store until you accept the bag. Recently, I was at Vickie's and had only a LIP GLOSS in my hand. Three sales associates kept following me around the store, trying to thrust that fucking bag in my hand. I don't need a bag for ONE lousy lip gloss! I have perfectly healthy hands and they can withstand the weight of holding a 1oz lip gloss just fine! To top it off, another gutsy SA handed me an Angels card application!! 19% interest on a lip gloss? SURE SIGN ME UP! A CREDIT CARD PROTECTION PLAN? Only $25/month? BETTER ENROLL ME - YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL! Sheesh - I'm not carrying a mountain of skivves into the dressing room, I'm holding a lip gloss!
The undies: I actually LIKE their undies, but what the hell is that hole in the back of many of their panties for? A tail? I don't like the PINK underwear either; most of it has a really thick hem that could give you a panty line visible from outer space.
The Make up: I've never tried it but I heard it really sexy. How do I know it's really sexy?
Because it says so on the box!!!!
The coupons: Since I don't have that blasted Angels card, I don't get a lot of coupons in the mail. But that fine with me - no coupons or lowering my FICO rating? I'll pass on the coupons, thanks. So the coupons that I do get are few and far between. Usually it's the standard "$5 off your purchase of $150 or more" - wow, could they spare it? It doesn't even take care of the sales tax!
But sometimes, VS will be generous and offer a free panty - no purchase necessary. Wow, great deal, huh? Well, yeah, if you like granny panties. The FREE PANTY is the most unsexy pair in the store and much resembles a pair of BVD's. Not worth my gas to the store.
The catalog: Ever get one of these in the mail? Every model in the book has the same pouty swollen lip, come-hither expression. The sweater section is great - all the models wear the sweater in an unrealistic manner. Deep V-Neck sweater with a neckline down to your belly button? Screw the cami, these models let it all hang out. Simple cardigan? Why, only ONE button needs to be fastened. Boring crewneck? Well, let's hike up the sweater and show off the chisled abs! Yes, this is Victoria's Secret, not Newport News, but they could at least be realistic. If I wore the sweaters the way they show them in the catalog, to the office, I'd be getting a call from HR.
The flannel pajamas section is even better. Oversized, cover-it-all-up jammies with a wild print of donuts, kitties, and/or Santa? VS will make the model look like a vixen by only fastening one button. Does that make her look like a sexy little minx? Not really. She's still wearing oversized pajamas with a kiddie print. No matter how you pose, you can't make long johns look sexy.
Vickie's, vickie's, vickies, oh how you amuse me!
Friday, January 25, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Let's review the Winter 2007/2008 BBW Semi-Annual Sale
Leaky lotions? Check.
Erratic pricing? Check.
Crowded store? Check.
Tacky tote bags piled high? Check.
Chipped and cracked ceramic candles? Check
Yes, ladies, take your mallet to the piggy bank! It's that time again, the Bath & Body Works Semi-Annual Sale!
Let's review!
The BEST of the sale:
The $10 off $30 purchase coupons:
These things are a godsend. Take the phone survey, write down the code, and you're on the your way to savings! You'd be surprised on how much stuff you can get for only $20!
The NEW Enchanted Orchid scent: LOVE it. Usually BBW's florals are too vomit-inducing for my tastes, but this one is actually light and pleasant.
The $3 Body Creams: For the first few days of the sale, all Signature Collection body creams were only $3. This was an amazing deal - they usually will put the body washes for $3, not the creams.
Observations:
Boring, put-me-to-sleep classics:
Plumeria, Juniper Breeze, Coco Cabana, all which smell so bad, they could drop an oak tree in 3 nanoseconds flat. Why must they bring these same scents back? WHY WHY WHY. They're not "rare" if you bring them back every six months. Those who like these scents have probably already gotten their fill at the last 6 sales! Bring back something DIFFERENT - you've got a whole library of scents from which to chose; why all the same shit? Whip up a batch of Iced Pineapple, Frosted Snowdrop, Happy Daisy, April Mist - I'm tellin' ya, that stuff will fly off the shelves, not just sit there collecting dust like Rice Flower & Shea (why is this a classic? and Sheer Freesia.
Vanilla Bean Noel: Why are people so nuts about this scent? Why do so many people want to smell like a sugar cookie? Why does BBW insist on bringing this back every Christmas? It seems like every other customer in that store is on the search for VBN.
Nothing new or rare:
Every semi-annual sale in the past has brought back SOMETHING rare. Last summer, it was Orange Blossom anti-bacs (haven't seen these since 2001!) and old Aromatherapy stuff (Ylang Ylang Myrrh and Blue Lavender Palmarosa). Last winter, it was Water Blossom Ivy. This sale, nothing. Nothing rare but a lone bottle of Rich Citrus Cream bubble bath with old skool packaging from 2002.
Which, although sitting on the 75% off table, rang up full price. The SA adjusted the price, and I brought it home with me. I'm looking forward to bathing in the relaxing scent of sour milk!
Blue Bins:
Flimsy red buckets have been put out to pasture. Which is great, but instead, we're blessed with these blasted square blue vinyl bins. Digging through the new blues is just as difficult, and the goopy, leaky bottles are just as bad, but at least you don't have that looming feeling that it's not going to split in half as you rummage through it. For the most part, the SA's kept the bins organized, but it really depends on the store. At some stores, you find everything in its place, and at other stores, there's a polyglot of crap on the tables, things haphazardly thrown around, and testers bottles lurking in the briny deep of a blue bin.
The WORST:
Lack of, well, anything: The stores I've been to have been bare. It's a weird sight. Usually at the sale, everything is spaced so close together, I feel like a bull in a china shop.
Horribly boring 75% off tables:
Gah! More Fresh Vanilla and Pear Blossom shit! BBW's GOLD STANDARD of the 75% off tables. Just the sight of this stuff has begun to bring a tightening sensation in my chest. Not AGAIN!! Not another damn bin filled with Pear Blossom shower gel!
Seriously, how many more Fresh Vanilla splashes and Pear Blossom Shower Gels can BBW HAVE? I'm beginning to think that BBW is making this stuff specifically FOR the SAS just to fuck with me. For the last THREE (!!) sales, this stuff has been rotting and leaking onto itself in the 75% off bins. No one is buying this shit! Seriously - mark it 90% off and put these scents out of their misery so that I don't have to look at them at the next sale!
Le Couvent Des Minimes stuff:
Another staple of the 75% off tables. It's either 1 of 2 scents - Honey and Shea (a delicate mix of playdough and cream of tarter) or Lemon Verbena (Windex). No one is buying this shit, even at 90% off! Who in their right mind would want to smell like they've been busy playing with clay or cleaning toilets?
Breathe 24/7 Self Tanners: It's no wonder why these don't sell - they're quite possibly the worst-smelling self tanners EVER - and that's saying a lot, since self-tanners usually have nasty smell anyway. And they leak like a runny nose! I hate sticking my hand into the bin, trying to dig around for something good, and end up with stained, spotty fingers!
Weird Shit:
CO Bigelow Mouthwash: Retail price: $12. This better be some strong dentist-quality miracle shit. Maybe it's because I am from the upper midwest, but I don't think I've ever seen mouthwash priced that high.
Well Beyond Its Expiration Date Holiday Candy: Someone call the health department! It looks so nasty, it's overpriced (even at 75% off), and usually it's placed in the same bin as the shower gel. I don't know about you, but I love me some soapy caramel corn! There's nothing like the feeling of eating popcorn while blowing bubbles out of your mouth!
Nail files: Not really weird, but ick. Just the sight of one is enough to make my skin crawl. Why
not just stop by the hardware store and use a belt-sander, and keep going until you hit a bone?
Random CDs from some artist you've never heard of: Why does BBW bother carrying CDs? Who buys these? This is 2008; no one buys CDs anymore anyway, and no one buys CDs from Bath & Body Works.
Superfill cosmetics: Weird packaging that looks straight off the back of a comic book. Gives it that snake oil-ish feeling to it, much like those other "amazing" things that are really sold on back of comic books - sea monkeys, dollar bill making machines, and 3-D spy glasses. This line belongs in a dollar store, not in a BBW.
That about wraps things up. All in all, a very bad sale. Nothing exciting, nothing new. Same sale, different year.
Erratic pricing? Check.
Crowded store? Check.
Tacky tote bags piled high? Check.
Chipped and cracked ceramic candles? Check
Yes, ladies, take your mallet to the piggy bank! It's that time again, the Bath & Body Works Semi-Annual Sale!
Let's review!
The BEST of the sale:
The $10 off $30 purchase coupons:
These things are a godsend. Take the phone survey, write down the code, and you're on the your way to savings! You'd be surprised on how much stuff you can get for only $20!
The NEW Enchanted Orchid scent: LOVE it. Usually BBW's florals are too vomit-inducing for my tastes, but this one is actually light and pleasant.
The $3 Body Creams: For the first few days of the sale, all Signature Collection body creams were only $3. This was an amazing deal - they usually will put the body washes for $3, not the creams.
Observations:
Boring, put-me-to-sleep classics:
Plumeria, Juniper Breeze, Coco Cabana, all which smell so bad, they could drop an oak tree in 3 nanoseconds flat. Why must they bring these same scents back? WHY WHY WHY. They're not "rare" if you bring them back every six months. Those who like these scents have probably already gotten their fill at the last 6 sales! Bring back something DIFFERENT - you've got a whole library of scents from which to chose; why all the same shit? Whip up a batch of Iced Pineapple, Frosted Snowdrop, Happy Daisy, April Mist - I'm tellin' ya, that stuff will fly off the shelves, not just sit there collecting dust like Rice Flower & Shea (why is this a classic? and Sheer Freesia.
Vanilla Bean Noel: Why are people so nuts about this scent? Why do so many people want to smell like a sugar cookie? Why does BBW insist on bringing this back every Christmas? It seems like every other customer in that store is on the search for VBN.
Nothing new or rare:
Every semi-annual sale in the past has brought back SOMETHING rare. Last summer, it was Orange Blossom anti-bacs (haven't seen these since 2001!) and old Aromatherapy stuff (Ylang Ylang Myrrh and Blue Lavender Palmarosa). Last winter, it was Water Blossom Ivy. This sale, nothing. Nothing rare but a lone bottle of Rich Citrus Cream bubble bath with old skool packaging from 2002.
Which, although sitting on the 75% off table, rang up full price. The SA adjusted the price, and I brought it home with me. I'm looking forward to bathing in the relaxing scent of sour milk!
Blue Bins:
Flimsy red buckets have been put out to pasture. Which is great, but instead, we're blessed with these blasted square blue vinyl bins. Digging through the new blues is just as difficult, and the goopy, leaky bottles are just as bad, but at least you don't have that looming feeling that it's not going to split in half as you rummage through it. For the most part, the SA's kept the bins organized, but it really depends on the store. At some stores, you find everything in its place, and at other stores, there's a polyglot of crap on the tables, things haphazardly thrown around, and testers bottles lurking in the briny deep of a blue bin.
The WORST:
Lack of, well, anything: The stores I've been to have been bare. It's a weird sight. Usually at the sale, everything is spaced so close together, I feel like a bull in a china shop.
Horribly boring 75% off tables:
Gah! More Fresh Vanilla and Pear Blossom shit! BBW's GOLD STANDARD of the 75% off tables. Just the sight of this stuff has begun to bring a tightening sensation in my chest. Not AGAIN!! Not another damn bin filled with Pear Blossom shower gel!
Seriously, how many more Fresh Vanilla splashes and Pear Blossom Shower Gels can BBW HAVE? I'm beginning to think that BBW is making this stuff specifically FOR the SAS just to fuck with me. For the last THREE (!!) sales, this stuff has been rotting and leaking onto itself in the 75% off bins. No one is buying this shit! Seriously - mark it 90% off and put these scents out of their misery so that I don't have to look at them at the next sale!
Le Couvent Des Minimes stuff:
Another staple of the 75% off tables. It's either 1 of 2 scents - Honey and Shea (a delicate mix of playdough and cream of tarter) or Lemon Verbena (Windex). No one is buying this shit, even at 90% off! Who in their right mind would want to smell like they've been busy playing with clay or cleaning toilets?
Breathe 24/7 Self Tanners: It's no wonder why these don't sell - they're quite possibly the worst-smelling self tanners EVER - and that's saying a lot, since self-tanners usually have nasty smell anyway. And they leak like a runny nose! I hate sticking my hand into the bin, trying to dig around for something good, and end up with stained, spotty fingers!
Weird Shit:
CO Bigelow Mouthwash: Retail price: $12. This better be some strong dentist-quality miracle shit. Maybe it's because I am from the upper midwest, but I don't think I've ever seen mouthwash priced that high.
Well Beyond Its Expiration Date Holiday Candy: Someone call the health department! It looks so nasty, it's overpriced (even at 75% off), and usually it's placed in the same bin as the shower gel. I don't know about you, but I love me some soapy caramel corn! There's nothing like the feeling of eating popcorn while blowing bubbles out of your mouth!
Nail files: Not really weird, but ick. Just the sight of one is enough to make my skin crawl. Why
not just stop by the hardware store and use a belt-sander, and keep going until you hit a bone?
Random CDs from some artist you've never heard of: Why does BBW bother carrying CDs? Who buys these? This is 2008; no one buys CDs anymore anyway, and no one buys CDs from Bath & Body Works.
Superfill cosmetics: Weird packaging that looks straight off the back of a comic book. Gives it that snake oil-ish feeling to it, much like those other "amazing" things that are really sold on back of comic books - sea monkeys, dollar bill making machines, and 3-D spy glasses. This line belongs in a dollar store, not in a BBW.
That about wraps things up. All in all, a very bad sale. Nothing exciting, nothing new. Same sale, different year.
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