Let's talk about Victoria's Secret...

Do you like shopping amidst predatory sales girls?
Do you like being chased around the store with a black shopping tote?
Does being harassed about signing up for an Angels card at every corner bring a smile to your face?
Do you like looking at signage with in-your-face cleavage?

Then you will love shopping at Victoria's Secret!

PINK: I really don't understand this line. It looks like it comes from some weird university that makes undies, instead of giving out degrees. This line provokes many questions...

So it's called PINK, right? So why is most of this stuff in every color BUT pink?

Why a dog for the mascot? Since when are dogs pink? A flamingo or perhaps a pig would make much more sense. At least they're pink. Hell, why even use a mascot? I don't know about you, but I don't associate dogs (or farm animals and birds) with sexy lingerie.

Why is '86' splashed all over it? Don't tell me 1986 is when the line was created because it wasn't, or Madonna and Tiffany would've been all over that shit. It was actually launched in 2004. So either they use this to appeal to the teens and early 20-somethings since they were born around that time, or they just pulled random numbers out of the ass just for fun -- '86! Look how VINTAGE it is!!!

Their bras: I like them, when I can find one that's 1.) In my size (I am a 32A and they don't seem to think that people in this size exist). 2.) Doesnt have padding. Why are all the bras there padded 7 inches thick? I don't want to something that sends my boobs up to my chin. I do not want look like a Chesty McBoob!

The sales associates: Pushy, pushy, pushy! They bushwhack you the minute you walk into the store and try to shove a bag in your hand. If you refuse, they will continue to stalk you around the store until you accept the bag. Recently, I was at Vickie's and had only a LIP GLOSS in my hand. Three sales associates kept following me around the store, trying to thrust that fucking bag in my hand. I don't need a bag for ONE lousy lip gloss! I have perfectly healthy hands and they can withstand the weight of holding a 1oz lip gloss just fine! To top it off, another gutsy SA handed me an Angels card application!! 19% interest on a lip gloss? SURE SIGN ME UP! A CREDIT CARD PROTECTION PLAN? Only $25/month? BETTER ENROLL ME - YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL! Sheesh - I'm not carrying a mountain of skivves into the dressing room, I'm holding a lip gloss!

The undies: I actually LIKE their undies, but what the hell is that hole in the back of many of their panties for? A tail? I don't like the PINK underwear either; most of it has a really thick hem that could give you a panty line visible from outer space.

The Make up: I've never tried it but I heard it really sexy. How do I know it's really sexy?
Because it says so on the box!!!!

The coupons: Since I don't have that blasted Angels card, I don't get a lot of coupons in the mail. But that fine with me - no coupons or lowering my FICO rating? I'll pass on the coupons, thanks. So the coupons that I do get are few and far between. Usually it's the standard "$5 off your purchase of $150 or more" - wow, could they spare it? It doesn't even take care of the sales tax!

But sometimes, VS will be generous and offer a free panty - no purchase necessary. Wow, great deal, huh? Well, yeah, if you like granny panties. The FREE PANTY is the most unsexy pair in the store and much resembles a pair of BVD's. Not worth my gas to the store.

The catalog: Ever get one of these in the mail? Every model in the book has the same pouty swollen lip, come-hither expression. The sweater section is great - all the models wear the sweater in an unrealistic manner. Deep V-Neck sweater with a neckline down to your belly button? Screw the cami, these models let it all hang out. Simple cardigan? Why, only ONE button needs to be fastened. Boring crewneck? Well, let's hike up the sweater and show off the chisled abs! Yes, this is Victoria's Secret, not Newport News, but they could at least be realistic. If I wore the sweaters the way they show them in the catalog, to the office, I'd be getting a call from HR.

The flannel pajamas section is even better. Oversized, cover-it-all-up jammies with a wild print of donuts, kitties, and/or Santa? VS will make the model look like a vixen by only fastening one button. Does that make her look like a sexy little minx? Not really. She's still wearing oversized pajamas with a kiddie print. No matter how you pose, you can't make long johns look sexy.

Vickie's, vickie's, vickies, oh how you amuse me!