Snarking on American Idol

It's that time of year again. AI is back to the voting rounds. So let's snark!

The 12 boys sang on Tuesday night and the girls followed on Wednesday. This weeks theme was the 1960's (snore!), just as they do every season, so you had to expect a lot of "This sounds old" comments from the judges. Dudes - stop bitchin' about "current" sound if they give them a 60's theme!

The shows this week were all a bit underwhelming. Seacrest looked kind of bloated in the face, Paula's sauced again and forming half sentences, and Simon kept bitching about everything sounding "too 60's" during a 60's theme. God forbid!

David Hernandez: I guess he can sing, but I was filing my nails. Boring

Chickezie: So he's is now a one-word guy? Hmmm...Red Suit? Out of key? Walked on stage looking like Clifford the big red dog? Is this George Huff on Valium? I'M IN LOVE.

David C: I hope he stays in long enough for the stylists to take care of that awful hair. Blech! The combover needs to go. It makes him look like a dumpy loser.

Robbie, the boy band poser: He was okay. Definitely not fantastic, but it kept me out of a comatose state.

David Archuleta: Did his best "Who, me?!" Melinda Doolittle impression. I can just hear the legions of tweentards and oldies picking up the phone for this kid. He really annoyed me with the braying laugh. Get him off the stage (errr....excuse me, platform) before I wanna kill him. And he you know he's only 17???!!!

Danny Noriega: Totally obnoxious, and what the hell is wrong with his hands?! I don't think I'll be able to concentrate on his singing because his foot-long fingers are so disturbing. He sang Elvis' Jailhouse Rock. Have you ever paid attention to the lyrics of this song? In particular, this:

"#27 said to #3, you're the cutest jailbird I ever did see."

Did they have co-ed prisons back then??

Luke Menard: I just heard this guy's name and I've already forgotten who he is. This guy couldn't have less personality if he were dead and frozen. If he manages to stay until next week it's because so damn tappable.

Colton: Seacrest was totally lying. He thought Colton WAS Ellen. That's why Ryan was hitting on him. I'm glad Simon gave him the smack he deserved.

Garrett: I SPY PEACHFUZZ on this Owen Wilson lookalike! Looking at and listening to him, I feel like I've fallen into some weird time rift and landed in the '70s

Jason Castro: He's the dude with the dreads. Fun fact that you might not know about this guy... Did you know that he would have won a gold medal in the Olympics if his bobsled didn't flip on the last turn?

Michael: Reason #2183 that Michael Jones is douche: Wearing a scarf inside...in Los Angeles

On to the girls!

Kristy Lee Cook: Rescue Me" from this performance. Playing the sickness card, and Paula rambles like a tumbleweed.

Joanne: She should've been belting that song, not sleeping through it.

Alania Whitaker: OMG OMG OMG It was like really hot and like a really long day!!!111!! OMG I WANT NEW SHOES!!I think I'll get her the other sleeve for her birthday. What an ugly shirt.

Amanda Overmeyer: WTF? I have not understood a single word. She sounded like she was chawing a pork chop. However, the fact that she stated flat-out on the air that she didn't like doing the stupid little dance for the camera earns her major points in my book.

Amy Davis: Woo hoo! It's weird hair night. She's got a little dollop up front. My dog started growling at the TV.

Brooke White: I hated how she kept doing the Herbal-Essences-hands-in-the-hair-i'm-having-an-orgasm-in-the-shower thing Brooke didn't completely hurt my ears but she's not long for this competition. Get her to record some Christian music and she'd be money. She pisses rainbows and craps tiny pink unicorns, too.

Alexandra: Strange dance moves. The weird hair, the suspenders, the mismatched earrings...reminded me of "Blossom". Or her afflicted friend 'Six'. It was the hair and the mismatched earrings. And the suspenders.

Kady Malloy: It's Britney, Bitch! Yeah, she looks very excited. It was like one giant Valium.

Asia'h: Her earrings are putting on a helluva performance. She had a nice, honking goose quality to her voice.

Ramielle: This girl has an evil streak inside her that is just one bad judge's comment short of exploding out of her. Seacrest was totally jealous of those shoes. He's probably going to ask if he can borrow them.

Syeisha: Not much to say except that she had gongs for earrings and do-me boots.

Carly: The plant was pimped by Randy so much that I had to walk out of the room.

Paula's video: Can this be the new exit song? ;) Dance Like There's No Tomorrow" is a very misleading song title. It should be "Shuffle About Aimlessly While Younger People Are Dancing Like There's No Tomorrow."

Paula got the Ashlee Simpson treatment on that video. Make no mistake, an entire bank of G5 Power Macs running pitch correction software was used on that track!

The four to go were Garrett, Colton, Amy, and Joanne. With all the tears, I thought they were torturing kittens and puppies on stage!

That's it for now...until next week... :)